The Only Way To Cook Brussels Sprouts At Home

Brussels sprouts inspire passionate reactions. They are both one of the most reviled and most desired vegetables, by turns venerated and cursed.

How can one little brassica be the source of such controversy? The answer lies in how differently these little cabbages respond to different types of cooking. When abused, Brussels turn grey and taste like the sour memory of thin cabbage soup wafting down the hall of an Eastern European boarding school. Treated correctly, however, they remain crisp and green, picking up crunch and deep browned savory notes during the cooking process.

The tastiest way to cook Brussels sprouts is inarguably to cut them in half and deep fry them. Deep fryers are the secret behind many, if not most, of the crazy-good crispy brussels sprout dishes you may have had at restaurants before. This method, while delicious, is impractical for weeknight home-cooking purposes and turns a nutritious vegetable into something approaching Bloomin’ Onion territory health-wise.

In the interest of our moral responsibility to our arteries and hearts, we shall gloss over the restaurant method and settle on a procedure that gets you a sprout at least 90 percent as delicious as a deep-fried one.

The secret to making incredibly crunchy and delicious sprouts at home is to slowly caramelize halved sprouts cut-side down in one layer in a cast-iron skillet. While the cut side browns, the rest of the sprout gently steams, creating a contrast between charred and fresh flavor and ensuring the whole vegetable remains crisp.

After the sprouts are mostly cooked, I like to toss them in a glaze to serve. This recipe includes one glaze idea, but really you can use any combination of spicy, sweet, sour, and umami ingredients to maximize deliciousness.

Unilaterally Seared Brussels Sprouts with Sweet Chili Glaze

• Brussels sprouts

• 1 tbsp honey

• 1 tbsp cider vinegar

• 1 tsp soy sauce

• 1 tsp chipotle powder, to taste

• salt, to taste

• shitton of black pepper

Take as many Brussels sprouts as will cover one half of your biggest cast iron skillet with no overlaps. Cut each sprout in half through the root, and discard any loose outer leaves.

Arrange the sprouts cut-side down in one layer in your oiled cast iron skillet, ensuring that the flat side of each sprout is fully in contact with the bottom of the pan.

Place the pan on a burner over medium heat, and cook without moving or flipping the sprouts until the cut sides are dark brown and the tops are bright green and feel slightly tender to the touch. If you know your burners tend to produce uneven heat, rotate your pan a couple of times during the cooking process.

While the brussels sprouts cook, mix together the ingredients for the glaze. Once the sprouts are mostly done, crank the heat to high, pour in the glaze and toss the sprouts to coat evenly. Remove them from the pan once the glaze is mostly dry and sticks to the sprouts like caramel. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

The Great Quebec Cheap Beer Taste Test

Cheap lager is the fuel that keeps the city of Montreal running. These fizzy, corn-and-rice inflected brews are a ubiquitous part of every pre, party, dumb rock show, brunch, lunch, dinner party, funeral, wedding, commute, and school day in this city, but very few people make the effort to look inside the can and really investigate what’s going on in Quebec’s malt seltzers.

I have long thought of myself as a connoisseur of cheap adjunct brews, but a part of me was suspicious that the sweet mid-century industrial design on certain cans and the cultural baggage attached to specific brews tricked my mind into detecting taste differences where there were none. Driven by my love of science and macrobrews, I decided to invite some friends over for a blind taste test of the crappiest beers available in Montreal.

Since I was relying on my friends to each bring a beer, this was by no means a comprehensive taste of every yellow beer you can get your hands on in this city, but the pool was deep enough to provide real insights into Quebec’s cheap beer scene.

Interesting insight #1: Cheap beer preferences are a vital part of many people’s identity. The results of the blind test shocked and appalled several people.

Interesting insight #2: Despite their reputation for uniformity, cheap lagers actually taste very different from each other.

Interesting insight #3: Most macrobrewed cheap lager, when removed from the context of a can, tastes legitimately awful. However, even nasty beers mostly remain drinkable if carbonated enough.

Interesting insight #4: The popular favorites for the most part did not hold up well to scientific scrutiny.

We evaluated each beer by drinking a couple ounces from a solo cup poured by our elected beer master. The beers were each graded on a 15-point scale with five points awarded for flavor, mouthfeel, and drinkability. Now, for the test:

THE CONTESTANTS

Vieux Montreal- Locally-produced swill. Has a stronger flavor than many in its class, which is not necessarily a good thing.

Bud Light Apple- Holy shit this is sweet. Good for people who don’t like beer.

PBR OG- Normal Pabst. Party standby. Cultural joke.

PBR Dry- Pabst that can get down. 1% more alcohol than OG.

Labatt Dry 6.1- The slightly more hardcore version of Labatt Bleu. American stereotype of what Canadians drink.

Old Milwaukee Dry- Alternative PBR. Perhaps the most similar to seltzer of all beers surveyed.

Moosehead- Another stereotypical Canuck beer. Often more expensive than it should be.

La Metropole- Adjunct lager that uses pretty bottles to put on airs.

Sapporo- Japanese lager conglomerate that owns many of Quebec’s “microbreweries.” High rice percentage in this recipe.

Busch- A horse prances through fountains of ice-cold Rockies water while electric guitars wail.

Tremblay- Local amber lager that likes to tout that it only uses barley, water, hops, and yeast in its recipe.

Pilsner- This west-coast favorite has a dope can with pastoral imagery on it.

Boris Bold- 8.5% malt liquor. I thought this would run away with worst in show.

THE RESULTS

First, let’s start with the worst. Shockingly, OG PBR, the ever-popular standby that I previously considered to be one of the best beers on the docket, was voted the nastiest overall. Tremblay, which many people predicted would be best in show, had the worst flavor and drinkability scores. Both beers elicited comments like “I would never drink this” and “this is the worst thing I have ever tasted.” Both performed worse than even the Boris Bold malt liquor, which was third worst overall.

A useful chart.

Old Milwaukee did significantly better than its dark brother PBR, winning both the mouthfeel and drinkability portions of the test. Its relatively weak flavor scores dragged it down to a third-place finish. Labatt Dry took the silver medal, with strong scores in all three categories. Sapporo had the best flavor, but weaker mouthfeel and drinkability scores made it an also-ran. And the first-place finisher was…

Pilsner! The dark horse west-coast candidate ended up taking the cheap beer crown. Like Labatt, its was a solid all-rounder, not winning a single category but placing highly in all three.

Taking a sip from a Pilsner can after all the tasting was done, I was underwhelmed, but I can understand why it won. The flavor is more sour than I prefer, but it doesn’t have the chemical notes of Old Milwaukee or Busch. Crucially, it is super-carbonated, which is an asset for both mouthfeel and drinkability.

It took a long time, much pouring, a teeny bit of finagling, and a surprising amount of tears, but the Great Quebec-Available Beer Test has been completed. I presume college students, tailgaters, and other scientists the world over will want to see if they can replicate my results, so I have posted the raw data below, courtesy of Henry Kronk.